So Wonderfully Complex

Dear Angie,

I don’t really know how to start this letter.  I know you don’t like it when people beat around the bush so I guess I will just say it. 

Tomorrow is the day you will hear the words you and others have been praying that you wouldn’t hear.  You will hear the doctor on the other end of the phone say,

“I am sorry.  You have breast cancer.” 

You will be numb.  Your hands will be shaking as you try and write down the words the doctor is saying.  You will feel like you just got hit head on by a truck and not really sure if you feel true pain or just an overall numbness. 

You will start to cry as you tell Todd.  You don’t want to tell your parents.  As a parent yourself, you know they will be crushed. You don’t want to tell your sister or your closest friends. And the kids…oh the kids…they will be the reason this whole thing is so hard and the reason you will continue to fight the way you will do.

These first few weeks will be a whirlwind. 

You will wake up each morning – and several times through the night – thinking it is just a bad dream, and then realize a few seconds later that it is not a dream.  It is your life…it is now your new normal.  You will go through more appointments and tests and will have mountains of information to keep up with that continue to be thrown at you while trying to keep as much normalcy at home as you can.

Hard news also continues to come your way. 

You will find out that not only do you have breast cancer but that you have Inflammatory Breast Cancer and it has spread to the lymph nodes and the skin.  You remember praying for another young mom who died recently of this type of cancer having survived only 13 months from diagnosis.  You will think about the next 13 months and how you can spend them and pray that you will get at least 13 months.  You will search for stories of Hope.  You will find people that have survived 2, 3 and 10 years and pray that you will be one of the outliers and live many many more. 

One reason I am writing you this letter is that I am happy to say you are still here 3 years later! 

Three years in, you are still on treatment, you still do not feel like you would like to, but you are here! You are making the most of each day you are given and you have seen blessings and many answered prayers along the way!

Actually, in a few days from now you will make a list and specifically ask God for a few things. 

One, is to see Mason go to Kindergarten.  I am so happy to tell you this prayer was answered YES!  He is currently in Kindergarten now!  You were a big emotional mess that day not just because your baby is now in Kindergarten like the other Kindergarten moms, but because you saw the faithfulness of God and how He so graciously answered that prayer.  The other requests, I can’t tell you the outcome because we are not there yet, but I can tell you I still pray for those every day and I know that He can do more than we even ask or imagine! (Ephesians 3:20 – this will also be an important verse to you and your family in a few months)

These next two years especially, you will experience deep pain and deep hurt, not just physical but also emotional and mental. Your mind will be what Satan uses to attack you the most.  Fight back!  Suit up each morning with your Armor on!  Use the Sword of the Spirit and know that when you are too weak, that the Lord is fighting for you. 

You will also be amazed in the coming days to see the prayer warriors that God puts in your life!  When your faith is lacking theirs is strong! Yes, you will share this journey and all you are going through. You will share so much more than you would have ever thought you would share.  You will soon feel God telling you to not waste this cancer and you obey.

Oh the kindness and generosity that is poured over you in the months to come is more than you can even fathom right now.  Even people who barely know you will do so many acts of kindness for you.   You will meet some of the most precious people that God will bring into your life.  People only He knew that you needed. 

Even though the earthly love and kindness is so strong it will pale in comparison to the love and comfort you will experience from your Creator.  He will hold you when know one else sees the multitude of tears and pain that come especially late at night.  He will continue to remind you of His promises and His love for you.   

Angie, through this all you will find out YOU CAN do hard things.  YOU are stronger than you know and your God is even stronger.  You are also loved more than you know by people here on earth but most importantly by your Heavenly Father that created you. 

September 12, 2016

It will be a day you will never forget.

It will be a day you will wish had never happened.

It is a day that not only changed your life but so many others you care about.

It will also be a day to remember.

A day to remember how far He has brought you.

A day to show others love.

A day to remember that we never know what the future holds.

It will be a day that we grieve for a little while but my prayer is that each year the grief will be less. That the hurts won’t sting as bad.

I also hope it will be a day that you see your faith strengthened. I love this quote by Tim Keller,

“There is a purpose to suffering and if faced rightly it can drive us like a nail deep into the love of God and into more stability and spiritual power than you can imagine.”

Tomorrow when the phone rings remember that God promises to never leave you or forsake you. Remember how strong you will be. Remember how strong and how good your God is. Remember you are loved. You got this!

Love, Angie

Why So Wonderfully Complex?

If you have read my previous post HERE you know that this blog idea didn’t just come about overnight.  It has been on my heart and mind for a very long time now.  A few months ago, when I was getting up the nerve to bite the bullet and start it I had a completely different name in mind.  I thought it was a great name and I was set on it until just recently.

Let’s rewind a couple of months…

I was sitting in a cancer geneticists office at a very large teaching hospital.  I had known about the gene mutation I had for about a year now, but I guess I didn’t really realize how rare it was until this genetic counselor spelled it out for me.  You see, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I had genetic testing done since at the time I was only 37.  I was relieved when it came back saying I did not carry the BRAC1 or BRAC2 gene.  Those genes, thanks to Angelina Joile, are more well-known and people seem to be somewhat aware of them.

However, it did show that I carried a variant of the CHEK2 gene.

They assured me, though, that this variant (unlike others of CHEK2) was of unknown significance and most likely didn’t play a role with my diagnosis.  Having two young kids, one being a daughter, a younger sister, a niece, several female cousins, I was relieved.  Fast forward a year and I get a call.  The voice on the other end said,

“I am sorry to tell you this but we now have information saying your variant has changed.  It is no longer of unknown significance but is very significant.  Your genetic testing is now positive.”

What does that mean you ask?

Well, basically this confirms that this gene mutation is most likely the reason I got breast cancer and at the age that I did.  Not only is it linked to a higher chance of breast cancer but also to other cancers too.

During this appointment with the new genetic counselor, he said that not only is CHEK2 and this variant rare, but the fact that my genetic testing changed was extremely rare and they hardly ever see this.  Rare.  A word that my whole life I seem to hear quite often.

I am a redhead….only 2% of the population are redheads.  I am an INFJ which is the rarest Meyers Briggs personality type.  I was diagnosed with the rarest type of breast cancer.  During my last pregnancy not only did I hemorrhage and have complete placenta previa with 6 months of bed rest, but I also had many other things come up during my pregnancy where all of the doctors continued to tell me how rare it was.  While in the hospital one doctor even said she wouldn’t be surprised if they wrote a case study on me.

Rare, Rare, Rare….(in my head it sounds like Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!…if you don’t know the Brady Bunch you won’t understand….sorry!)

When people try to comfort me on things with statistics saying “oh that is really rare and won’t happen” I don’t feel comforted because if it is rare it will probably happen to me!  That has just been the story of my life and most times I just have to laugh because if I don’t I will start to cry….and I am not going to lie, I have let the tears overcome the laughter at times too.

That evening I went home and was pretty emotional, upset and just trying to process it all.

It is hard to always be told how different you are when all I want to be is “normal.”  I spent some time in my “war room” reading a devotional, and just crying out to God.  I picked up my Bible and turned to PSALM 139.  As a child, my mom would always read this PSALM to me on my birthday and it is a tradition I have carried on and read to my kids.  Most people know or have at least heard PSALM 130:14…I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  This is the translation that is most known with this verse.  Well, I decided to read it in my NLT Bible. This is what it says!

Wow! I was made to be wonderfully complex!

Not just wonderfully complex but SO wonderfully complex.  David doesn’t just state that he is wonderfully complex he begins by thanking God for making him this way.  The NIV version says he praises Him for making him the way he did.

That was a wake-up call for me that night.

I definitely wasn’t thanking Him that evening.  I was questioning Him, I was struggling and wondering why I was the way that I am.   I was listening to that voice in my head that was telling me everything I am not, and telling me all of the reasons I should be upset for being the way that I am.

He goes on to say that Gods workmanship is marvelous.  You, my friend, no matter how rare, how complex, how different you feel you are, this is the way you were created to be.  You were knit together in your mothers’ womb by a Creator who loves you.

That night God opened my eyes and laid it on my heart that this was what I was supposed to do.  I had a new direction I was supposed to take with this blog.  I know I am not the only one who struggles with being different. I am not the only one who has a child who is different from his/her peers.  I am not the only one who is told over again that I am rare, and they just don’t understand and even don’t know how to help me.

I am not the only one that needs to be reminded that even though the world and those around us may not understand our complex bodies, or emotions, or personalities or feelings, there is One who is greater that does.  One who created us this way.  Who made all of the delicate, inner parts of our bodies (PSALM 139:13 NLT)

We are a big world of many Wonderfully Complex people and if my story and what I have learned and what I am continuing to learn can help at least one person see how wonderfully made they are no matter how complex they may be, then that is what I am supposed to do!  The rest is just overabundant blessings and favor.  If you have never had a chance to read PSALM 139 I would encourage you to go do that.  If you have read it even many times before, I would encourage you to read it again!

They say that the third time’s a charm, right?  I hope so because this is my third time starting a blog and I really feel like this one is the one that will stick!

Ten plus years ago…

When blogging was pretty popular for all moms to do I started a free small blog on blogger…remember blogger?!?  Basically, this was for me to document what my family was up too!  It was a place to post pictures and share some things we were doing.  It was really not used for anything else.

Fast forward a few years…

I truly felt called to start blogging again.  This time not only to share life but to share things that were on my heart.  I set up a free site and made a few entries.  Well, I hate admitting this, but I did not follow through with it.  Life got crazy, I was trying to homeschool part time, Mason came into our lives shortly after and it just wasn’t something that I was able to put much effort into so it got put on the back burner.

So here I go again!

That pull and feeling to start a blog truly never left but I just kept making excuse after excuse to not do it.  I have been feeling led to do it, even more, this past year so I am done with excuses (which honestly I could make even more excuses now!) and jumping in with both feet!

This time I have bought my own domain and have spent more money than I realized it took to start up your own blog and will continue to pay monthly fees to keep this one up. I am hoping because of this it will keep me more inclined to keep up with it! I decided I was either going to go big or go home!

I have spent the past six months trying to learn computers. Why oh why didn’t I take more computer classes in college??  I even enrolled in an online course to help teach me the basics of blogging and setting up your own website!  I am probably the least technical person you will ever meet.  I mean I am that girl that still use a paper planner because I don’t like using my phone!  What is a google calendar anyways?!? (Click HERE to see the calendar I am currently using and LOVE!)

Some people I know that are also not very computer savvy at least have a husband or a friend who is, and they helped them with the technical side of things.  I love my husband and he is great at many things but he is not a computer programmer either!  However, he has also spent many hours helping me set this up and we both still have so much to learn and understand.  I think I have watched more YouTube videos this past month trying to learn this stuff than my teen daughter has all year!  That is saying a lot!

I also continue to question my ability to even provide content with a blog and question my ability to write.  Me, a writer Lord?  I am a math and science girl.  English and grammar were not and are not my thing!  I remember I would even have my younger sister proofread my papers for me in high school!  Throw in chemo brain, forced menopause and a little adult onset ADD and my head is a hot mess at times!  Literally and figuratively!  So, I am putting this disclaimer right here….do not come to this blog to judge my grammar!  I am telling you ahead of time…I do not have an editor and grammar is not my strong point!  I try my best, but you will find mistakes I am sure!

Here I go on this new adventure. 

I don’t know where it will take me but I know Who will be my guide and I am ready for the adventure!  I hope you will subscribe and join me!

I am here! I made it another year!  I am 40!

I have several friends that have already been in this age bracket who liked giving me a hard time since I wasn’t quite there yet!  Well, here I am and I couldn’t be happier to be joining your club! I also know several others who have turned 39 several times now!  Shoot some may still be having 29-year-old birthdays for the 11^th time!!

I will be honest….a few years ago I think I would have been joining that “always 39” club.   Even though the 30’s were probably the hardest years I have ever had, something about 30’s just sounds good!   Remember Jenna Rink from the movie 13 going on 30?

She didn’t wish to be 20, she didn’t wish to be 40, she surely didn’t want to be in middle school anymore…she wanted to be 30!

Thirty and flirty and THRIVING!

The 30’s were anything but thriving for me.  I spent a good portion of them just surviving and trying to hold on.  Especially the past two years.  Don’t get me wrong I have been blessed and have had many great things happen during my thirties….the blessing of our now 5-year-old miracle tops that list and I couldn’t be more thankful to God for his faithfulness with him.

Two years ago….On my 38^th birthday,

I was in the hospital recovering from an 8-hour surgery for a double mastectomy after just two weeks of being diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was the hardest birthday I have ever had.  Both physical, mental and even more so emotional.

I was thankful to be alive but selfishly I remember thinking at one point that I would rather just be dead and why didn’t God just take me during the surgery.  The physical pain and the emotional pain just hurt too much.  The thoughts that crossed my mind, the attacks…they just wouldn’t stop.

At that time we didn’t even know how bad and complicated the diagnosis and even prognosis for that matter was.  We were still just shell-shocked and trying to make sense of it all.

Fast forward one year….year 39! 

I was still in treatment, but I was alive!  Two other young moms that I personally knew didn’t survive a year after being diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer.

God had shown grace and mercy and allowed me another birthday.  I remember at that point in time I promised to Him and to myself to cherish and treasure each birthday I was blessed with!

I would shout it from the rooftops that it was my birthday!  I was given life and was given another year.  No matter how hard or bad of a year it was I was still here and was blessed to turn another year older.

Fast forward another year to the present….year 40! 

I am still in treatment and I recently had another surgery which makes that surgery #6 in two years time so I am still recovering from that, but again, I am alive!  Such a huge reason to celebrate! I really think Satan was trying hard though to attack and make this birthday not one I would celebrate or be thankful for.  He was trying hard to make me not cherish this birthday or day for that matter.

Physically I didn’t feel good.

Side effects and pain were at an all-time high and I was struggling emotionally too.  You know those nasty little thoughts that get stuck in your head….I had many of those I was fighting.  It’s funny too how I can go through and endure so many big, hard things and then how sometimes the little things are the ones used to try and set me back.

Todd had taken off the day which doesn’t get to happen much anymore due to very limited time off.  Mason was off school that day so we had planned to just have a fun day together doing a few of our favorite things around town since I hadn’t been able to get out much since the surgery.

We were going to continue the celebration later that evening with McKenna too.  My most favorite days are the simple ones spent with my family so that sounded like a perfect birthday celebration to me!

Well, that plan didn’t happen as we had hoped….

Mason woke up with 101 fever.  Yep!  A moms job never stops even on her 40^th birthday, right?!?  So we spent the morning cuddling and Todd ended up just working.

My sweet dad though took off after lunch to come and watch Mason so Todd and I could at least go and have lunch together.  We went to one of my favorites that I hadn’t been too since my last birthday.  The waitress takes our order and I give her my selection that I couldn’t wait to eat! (remember it had been a year since I had been there!) She politely interrupts me and says “I need to check but I think we are out of that.”  Sure enough, she came back and they were out of it!  I just had to laugh or I would have started to cry…it was that kind of day and I was bound and determined to still celebrate and not let him win.  A few other “laugh so you don’t cry” things happened that day but I think you get my jist of the day.

All of this to say…no matter what happens, no matter what number you now write on forms that ask your age, embrace it!

Be thankful you get to write that number no matter how big a number it is!

Be thankful you made it to 40!  Be thankful you made it to 50! Be thankful you made it to 70!  So many I have met only pray to make it one more year.  I am included in this.

For now, though, I will embrace the year I am given, and you better believe that when I am able to say I am now 41 I will let you know!  Not only does it mean I get a free cupcake at Sprinkles, it means that I was given another year to live and to cherish…and that calls for celebrating!