A Letter to myself the day before my cancer diagnosis

Dear Angie,

I don’t really know how to start this letter.  I know you don’t like it when people beat around the bush so I guess I will just say it. 

Tomorrow is the day you will hear the words you and others have been praying that you wouldn’t hear.  You will hear the doctor on the other end of the phone say,

“I am sorry.  You have breast cancer.” 

You will be numb.  Your hands will be shaking as you try and write down the words the doctor is saying.  You will feel like you just got hit head on by a truck and not really sure if you feel true pain or just an overall numbness. 

You will start to cry as you tell Todd.  You don’t want to tell your parents.  As a parent yourself, you know they will be crushed. You don’t want to tell your sister or your closest friends. And the kids…oh the kids…they will be the reason this whole thing is so hard and the reason you will continue to fight the way you will do.

These first few weeks will be a whirlwind. 

You will wake up each morning – and several times through the night – thinking it is just a bad dream, and then realize a few seconds later that it is not a dream.  It is your life…it is now your new normal.  You will go through more appointments and tests and will have mountains of information to keep up with that continue to be thrown at you while trying to keep as much normalcy at home as you can.

Hard news also continues to come your way. 

You will find out that not only do you have breast cancer but that you have Inflammatory Breast Cancer and it has spread to the lymph nodes and the skin.  You remember praying for another young mom who died recently of this type of cancer having survived only 13 months from diagnosis.  You will think about the next 13 months and how you can spend them and pray that you will get at least 13 months.  You will search for stories of Hope.  You will find people that have survived 2, 3 and 10 years and pray that you will be one of the outliers and live many many more. 

One reason I am writing you this letter is that I am happy to say you are still here 3 years later! 

Three years in, you are still on treatment, you still do not feel like you would like to, but you are here! You are making the most of each day you are given and you have seen blessings and many answered prayers along the way!

Actually, in a few days from now you will make a list and specifically ask God for a few things. 

One, is to see Mason go to Kindergarten.  I am so happy to tell you this prayer was answered YES!  He is currently in Kindergarten now!  You were a big emotional mess that day not just because your baby is now in Kindergarten like the other Kindergarten moms, but because you saw the faithfulness of God and how He so graciously answered that prayer.  The other requests, I can’t tell you the outcome because we are not there yet, but I can tell you I still pray for those every day and I know that He can do more than we even ask or imagine! (Ephesians 3:20 – this will also be an important verse to you and your family in a few months)

These next two years especially, you will experience deep pain and deep hurt, not just physical but also emotional and mental. Your mind will be what Satan uses to attack you the most.  Fight back!  Suit up each morning with your Armor on!  Use the Sword of the Spirit and know that when you are too weak, that the Lord is fighting for you. 

You will also be amazed in the coming days to see the prayer warriors that God puts in your life!  When your faith is lacking theirs is strong! Yes, you will share this journey and all you are going through. You will share so much more than you would have ever thought you would share.  You will soon feel God telling you to not waste this cancer and you obey.

Oh the kindness and generosity that is poured over you in the months to come is more than you can even fathom right now.  Even people who barely know you will do so many acts of kindness for you.   You will meet some of the most precious people that God will bring into your life.  People only He knew that you needed. 

Even though the earthly love and kindness is so strong it will pale in comparison to the love and comfort you will experience from your Creator.  He will hold you when know one else sees the multitude of tears and pain that come especially late at night.  He will continue to remind you of His promises and His love for you.   

Angie, through this all you will find out YOU CAN do hard things.  YOU are stronger than you know and your God is even stronger.  You are also loved more than you know by people here on earth but most importantly by your Heavenly Father that created you. 

September 12, 2016

It will be a day you will never forget.

It will be a day you will wish had never happened.

It is a day that not only changed your life but so many others you care about.

It will also be a day to remember.

A day to remember how far He has brought you.

A day to show others love.

A day to remember that we never know what the future holds.

It will be a day that we grieve for a little while but my prayer is that each year the grief will be less. That the hurts won’t sting as bad.

I also hope it will be a day that you see your faith strengthened. I love this quote by Tim Keller,

“There is a purpose to suffering and if faced rightly it can drive us like a nail deep into the love of God and into more stability and spiritual power than you can imagine.”

Tomorrow when the phone rings remember that God promises to never leave you or forsake you. Remember how strong you will be. Remember how strong and how good your God is. Remember you are loved. You got this!

Love, Angie